Ugh.

I'm doing so terrible at blogging.  I started the new blog thinking that if I could say whatever I wanted that I would blog more often.  But I'm obviously not doing a very good job.  I promise to try harder.

So, what's been going on lately?  Not very much.  I am just working.  I tend to come home and sleep too much.  When I get home from work I am so tired.  I have found that if I just start DOING something, I am able to get a second wind and stay up for the evening.  But in order to DO something, I have to have motivation...and that I have NONE of.  Right now I am sitting in my bed.  Looking around, there is a duffel bag with dirty clothes in it from early August when J and I went up north to visit his family.  That needs cleaned up.  There is also a laundry basket at the foot of my bed that needs put away and a pile of clothes in the closet that need hung up.  Those have been there for 3 weeks.  Downstairs on the couch there is a pillow, blanket and comforter.  They have been there for two months.  There are also 2 laundry baskets of folded clothes in the living room.  One has been there for probably 2 weeks.  One was from tonight.  I know I should bring them upstairs to the bedroom but I can't make myself do it.  There are lots of things that I KNOW need to be done.  I just can't make myself do it.  Instead, I come upstairs and see my bed and just take a nap.  I feel guilty when I sleep.  I try to hide that I'm sleeping from my roommate.  Pretend that I was reading or watching tv.  I know I shouldn't be sleeping that much but it is better than having to do household chores. When I sleep, I don't have to worry about things that need done. I don't have to see them.  I don't think about how much I miss my husband.  I don't think about the fact that it's going to be another 10 months before he is home.  I don't have to be out and about seeing all the other couples.  I don't have to think about that fact that I don't have a baby and may never have one of my own.  I don't have to miss my family.  I don't have to worry about work.  I would rather sleep through life than deal with it.

The only socializing I do anymore is going to Alicia's house.  She lives in my subdivision.  I've mentioned her before.  We met 8 months ago and became instant best friends.  She is amazing.  She is the embryologist that I mentioned in my last post.  She is one of those friend's that is always there, that is always calling, that is always texting, that always wants to see you and is available at the drop of a dime.  I have a lot of friends.  I have a few REALLY good friends.  But none of them are like Alicia.  They are all willing to get together, but it takes so much energy.  It takes planning in advance.  It's more work.  And maybe another problem is that my other three best friends all have children under 3 years old.  It's not the same hanging out when they are constantly tending to a child.  Not that I really mind.  I get it.  But I think the underlying problem is that it's a giant kick in the face to see them with their children when it's something I want so badly.  It's a reminder.  Day to day I can function just fine.  But being around it hurts.  It just hurts.  Alicia has children as well but they aren't babies or toddlers.  Her children are 5 and 7.  And most of the time they are in bed by the time I get to her house.

Alicia and I have this friendship where we hate going very long without seeing each other.  I am over there usually Monday, Thursday and Saturday.  Three times a week.  It's great because it keeps me busy.  It keeps my mind off of things.  It keeps me from sleeping.  And it keeps me from having to do things I don't wanna do like housework. 

Other things I'm not doing are dieting and exercising.  I do well during the day.  I take a low calorie breakfast, lunch and snacks to work.  I drink water all day long.  But when I come home, I eat whatever for dinner and snack all evening.  And all the napping and laziness = no exercise.  I am at the end of week 3 on the C25K program and haven't done it in weeks.  My sister is on week 6.  I've fallen behind on that and can't make myself do it.  I don't even know what I weigh.  The battery in my scale has died and replacing it is just another one of those things that I have to do but continue to avoid. 

This has turned into a pretty depressing post.  But, it's something.  It's my life right now and how I'm feeling. 

Till next time...