Deployment

I can't believe this is actually happening.  I've been handling it a lot better than I expected.  J has been in the military for 10 years and he has never had to go anywhere.  There have been a few occurrences that eventually ended up falling through.  While I was extremely happy and still am, it is an emotional rollercoaster like no other.  It's horrible. 

I learned about this deployment in December.  August felt so far away at that time.  I can't believe it is here and gone already.  He became active duty on August 22.  He is currently at a base finishing up his training.  While he is only about an hour and a half away, we still can't see each other.  It stinks.  Luckily, we have been able to chat on IM or via phone every night.  But I know this will not last.  He gets to come home on Thursday for 4 days.  After that, it REALLY begins.  He will leave for the last time.  He will finally fly out and be thousands of miles away, 9 and 1/2 hours ahead, with so many unknowns.  I'm scared. I'm scared of not having him here.  I'm scared of going days with no contact.  I'm scared of something happening...him getting hurt, our lives turning upside down, him not coming home, my life falling apart. 

I've been doing really well so far.  And I haven't cried.  I've been going to therapy.  It's been good for me.  But I still wonder if I'm only doing okay because I know I will get to see him before he really leaves.  I have this sinking suspicion that the worst is yet to come. 

One thing I have going for me is that I will not be alone.  J has a friend that was out of a job for a long time.  He applied to do J's job while he is gone and was hired.  I told him he should move in with us instead of getting an apartment.  Then I wouldn't be alone.  He did.  He has been living here since April.  I feel so much better having someone here to talk to.  If not, I would probably go a week without talking to anyone outside of work.  A life like that can be hard.  I become reclusive.  I become even more depressed.  I also hate being home alone at night.  It scares me.  I set the house alarm, sleep with my bedroom door locked and the tv on. When roomie is here I don't have to do that.  I also like knowing that someone is here if something happens - like the washer or dishwasher or toilet explodes.  I don't have to handle things like that on my own.  The other positives that have come from it are: he cooks for me, he cleans the kitchen, he helps take care of the dog, he takes out the trash, he vacuums the floor, he mows the yard.  On top of all that, he is paying rent.  I have it made.  But it still isn't as good as having my husband here. 

This weekend, roomie is gone.  I'm in my bed.  The alarm is on.  The bedroom door is locked.  The tv is on for light.  It's lonely.  I was at a friend's house for dinner and I didn't want to leave.  I didn't want to come home to an empty house. I can't imagine feeling like this every night for a year.